that memories lost forever, it must have escaped with the bees

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You didn’t kill me; I just died through the process.

Flying over the Atlantic and I’m a thumbs width away from Iceland. Only 3 months ago I thought we would be there together. The cold chill would do no harm to the warmth of our love. Celebrating who we were and who we are. You as I. I as you. We as something stronger than the individuals of our past. It doesn’t get easier. I think that it gets forgotten. There’s no way to cure a broken heart but to forget that love happened in the first place. Or maybe that’s just me. Maybe I’m too weak. And when the swelling begins it feels deafening and chokes me.. A gasp for air, sanity. The panic sets in and it’s though the day cannot progress, but it will. It always does. It’s been well over a month. I can barely remember the month. I know I woke up. I always wake up. I sat on a long flight before. I knew something was wrong. I went to the small, compact bathroom to look at myself fin the mirror. It’s long trips like this that have me thinking. I stared at my face…each line, pore, imperfection. I stood there spinning the ring on my finger. I looked at it in my reflection and with hesitation…smiled. It was genuine. My happiness was there and it was very real. I was ready to go home to you. I was ready to start my life with you. You picked me up at the airport as you usually did. It has been a month since we last saw each other. We’ve spent time apart before but this was by far the longest. You had grown a beard. I remember as you kissed me, a warm and inviting kiss, I felt the soft & prickled hair on your face. You grabbed my luggage and we went off. As we drove you told me how you had brought home an axe…a gift from a friend in Sweden. It would be perfect for the wedding photos. We knew our wedding was not to be anything short of interesting. I thought it was splendid! We went to the market where you thoughtfully picked out laundry soap, as you knew my clothes hadn’t seen a cleaning in over 2 weeks. As you grabbed two I held you back…we could always purchase more later when we needed it... you agreed. Before leaving we passed by these tiny little cupcakes. I asked you if you wanted them at the wedding and you said yes…a perfect little touch to our desert table. You bought me a sandwich; we paid and went off to stop at the apartment. Carrying up the luggage while mentioning the usual over-packed weight, we walked up the stairs that I thought I’d be walking up every day from here on out. As we got in, put the luggage down, you embraced me and gave me the most passionate kiss. It wasn’t sexual…not for me…it was loving. I thought the feeling I felt & tasted from your lips was a familiar, welcoming one. It felt sincere. We knew it was time to start our day and so we made our way to work. The day was nothing unusual. Always busy after a trip from Asia. You and I had made dinner plans at a place that had absolutely nothing to do with Asian food. It was fantastic. We talked about life…primarily work. We shared food without forks and our eyes locked as they usually did. We felt completely normal, nothing changed. Things felt right again. I felt right again. In many many months I battled with my own demons and finally it brought me here. Life isn’t perfect and neither are people. My love for you far outweighed the disappointments that I learned to look past. Love. Comfort. I can’t tell the difference and maybe there isn’t a difference. Or maybe I don’t understand love at all. We finished dinner and drove home. It was only 7:30pm when my eyes felt heavy. Jetlag was cruel. Nothing new. We lay on the couch together, as close as our bodies could get. We bought that couch together a year ago. It didn’t keep its shape. As I was falling asleep you woke me and told me to slip into bed, you would join. I washed up and found myself under the covers. It felt right. We were missing the heavy & silent footsteps of Cajun sneaking up between us but besides that…it all felt right. You held me close for some time and as usual, we turned our backs to each other and started to fall asleep. It was then that I turned to you and asked you what you wanted to discuss. There were words between us before I got home. Some hurtful words. You told me we needed to talk but you ignored it over dinner. When you told me we needed to talk while I was away it was cryptic. I asked if it had anything to do with the engagement, at least prepare myself for some type of surprise. I never considered he would have issues as critical as the engagement…he told me no. I was told the engagement was on. Things were okay…we just needed to talk. I should have never asked the question. If I didn’t ask…would any of this have happened? There’s a point in the grieving process during a death where you face complete denial. It’s not just denial but it’s a mix of acceptance and then a false realization that things will be fixed. I remember the day after Christmas; my kitten had a blood clot and died instantly. I was in the shower. As I got out and saw his lifeless body…I knew he was dead. But it was okay…things would be fine. I held his little body and gave him CPR. It didn’t work. That was okay too because we were driving to the vet and they had a pill or a shot that they could give him. Certainly technology has progressed enough! He wasn’t gone….he wasn’t gone…he wasn’t gone… He was gone. I know his words were much more than what I heard but what I recall is staring at the bookcase and hearing that we could not get married. Okay. Okay. Grieving process…I got out of bed. I was confused. I couldn’t walk straight. I hit my shins against the bed frame. Both of them. I cut in so hard that they bled. It’s been over a month and I see the ½” round scars on my shins every morning. You’re there every time I take a shower. The full realization didn’t hit me until we sat on the couch and I calmed down briefly. Okay…we do not have to get married yet. This is good. Let us take this slow. As I came to an acceptance you took the knife and twisted a final, deadly move. It wasn’t just the marriage. It was us. It was everything. We were over. I died. I don’t understand how you sat there and watched me curled up, my cries coming from beneath my organs. You sat and moved closer wanting to hold me, hug me, kiss me. I don’t understand. Why did you touch me? You seemed too content with your decision. How long had you been planning this? How many kisses, embraces and “I love you”s did you offer while you knew this was going to happen? How do you hold someone knowing you will ruin everything about them with one swift decision? It’s not murder. It’s torture. You didn’t kill me; I just died through the process.

are you even breathing? 'cause my breath is gone

november 27th 2011 was my 27th birthday. i think they call that a golden birthday right? same day/same age. it will never come again. that's besides the point. the only reason i bring that up is because that night i went back in time and saw brand new play in long island. their opening act was this long haired grunge looking band that was way too loud for the opening act. it was almost intolerable. a few weeks later i go on to hear a band called o'brother. they instantly reminded me of silverchair - which for what it's worth i will always love frog stomp. i only realize a few minutes into it that i've seen these guys. i know exactly where i saw them...at the brand new show! it's amazing how a band can sound like complete shit when foreign to your ears and in a venue that isn't particularly skilled in audio quality. their album doesn't sound like shit...far from it actually.

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we won't last long

in the months since i've posted i've gone from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows and somehow came out right in the middle. there's really not much else to say. so with that, i dedicate "no plans" from cloud nothings to my former love. that's as far as i'll go with that. i'm learning to let go, stop planning and accept each day as it comes. did i mention i'm writing this while i look out my window in innsbruck, austria? yea...life's not too awful.

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