the bittersweet between my teeth, trying to find the in-betweens, fall back in love eventually

i've been enduring 3rd floor no fan no a/c 90 degree weather while unpacking a life that i've been without for 3+ months. the final delivery came yesterday, filling up my entire downstairs bedroom with well packaged items that i had almost forgotten about. unpacking these things - it feels like christmas yet i paid for it all and already know what it is. there is something really freeing about living out of a suitcase for months. sleeping on couches, floors, beds that are not yours. would i have been happier doing it willingly? yes. but being forced into uncomfortable situations are sometimes the only way to experience it. i would have never put myself through all that (and certainly a life lesson: never put someone through that type of hell. i can only hope someone else learned that lesson too...yet his stubborn & selfish ways will never fail to amaze me). as the dust settles (slowly) i'm seeing better things. that doesn't mean my morning shower breakdowns don't happen on a daily basis. it doesn't mean that my dreams of what i had do not haunt me in the middle of the night. it does not mean that my heart doesn't crumble and my hands don't shake when i hear his name or the jingle of his keys in a hallway. i've thought of what would happen if i came face to face with him. would i drop to my knees and cry? would i throw my hot coffee right into his face? probably neither. i'd hide. he deserves no joy nor pain from my life activities and that's how it should remain.

on a happier note i've found the weather to be intoxicating (allbeit hot as hell). when it gets this humid and sweaty, all i can think of is dancing in a crowd. there's an energy that cannot be replicated when you're with a group of dancing people with powerful heart-vibrating music. so while searching through M83 influenced groups, i stumbled upon what i think will be my summer album. download it and dance to it.

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help keep the Cake Shop open

in 2006/2007 i was in a band called the hero cycle. we did a short tour down the east coast. this tour brought us to the cake shop in nyc. not only did my band get the opportunity to play here but i've also seen a lot of great bands in this little venue. don't let nyc's music scene turn into some big industry blowout. support smaller venues. diversity of music. make a pledge (as little as $10). if they don't hit their target, you'll be refunded (which personally i think they should keep whatever they get). with as low as a $10 pledge you will get a compilation download from the owners of their favorite bands that came through. just do it. don't ask questions. $10. that's nothing! make your pledge here.

and at least i'm not the one who's running away

while waiting patiently for my chuck ragan split lp i decided to jump on the included digi download and indulge early. i went into this mostly for the ragan songs but found a quick love affair with jimmy islip. he's got the great growl from his punk roots along with the folk/country style that's become oh-so popular with all of us aging punk rockers. you can buy the split lp over here (and it's on sale).

i'm headed out for a beer which most likely will get rained out since those clouds are rolling in dark. impending doom...that's what all of today has felt like.

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you can't plan on the heart

it's come to my attention that maybe i should be offering some type of preview of an album while posting it. who wants to d/l something without being vaguely aware of the overall sound? i mean these days, even a trilobyte isn't enough for our music catalogs. so instead of album covers, i'm providing an album song/video stream of what i consider to be the highlight piece. as usual below that will be the link underneath (ie: RIGHT HERE).

i've been getting a surprisingly high volume of visitors which is fantastic but i also started this blog just for my circle of friends and the love of music. with that said, i want to express the importance and value of supporting all artists. the digital age isn't as cool as we all thought it would be. i miss the smell of books, the feel of records and even the ability to cut into a random home video sequence during the VHS where my parents recorded the Goonies from TV for me. go out, buy a record, support the artist and enjoy watching your collection expand. it's pretty critical for everyone involved.


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i kill your love, baby!

i was lucky enough to catch i break horses as the opening act for M83. i've heard them before so seeing them lives was highly anticipated. hearts was recorded by just maria lindén and fredrik balck but considering they only have two hands each and they had 7 instruments going at once, they tour with a band. i'd go and say i enjoyed them even more than the album so if you get the chance, see them live. worth it. what is not a good idea would be to share the potentially acid laced gum with a stranger next to you seconds after you turned to his friends and called them all fucking idiots for not respecting your "imaginary 12x12 square of personal space". i didn't die. thankfully.

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if i pack up my things and leave, can i still be the queen to your king?

i spent from 8am until 10:48pm today running all over the island preparing for the first leg of my move from ny to btv. i've never felt more displaced than i have in these past few months. since september i've been living out of boxes and suitcases. it's taught me how to live without. it's taught me that when you haven't seen something in a few months, you forget about it. when you forget about it, you don't miss it. but it's when you're about to give it away that you look at the object again in a new light. all of a sudden cannot live without it. possessions are funny like that. it becomes an irrational need. you know in your heart you don't want it and certainly don't need it but there's that ownership. well i'm proud to say that i watched a few pairs of shoes go into the loving hands of one of my best friends while a few articles of clothing went off with another. letting things go (especially when not needed) feels a hell of a lot better than seeing it there, waiting, wanting and never being touched.

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mom is wow upside down...deal with it.

happy mother's day to all the women in the world who've suffered through sleepless nights from either crying babies or teenagers out til 4am with no sign of coming home. i for one owe my mother everything. she's one of the strongest people i've ever known and i envy that. two nights ago i stumbled into her house at 3am (truth: i sat in her driveway in my car listening to drive-by truckers until the car shut-off and i practically broke in as i couldn't figure out how to open the front door). i couldn't stand the quiet house so i proceeded to nudge her while she was sleeping just whispering "mom...mom...are you up?" (truth: i abruptly shook her into awakening and i don't think i ever asked if she was awake, i just proceeded to talk to her). i laid half-on and half-off the bed spewing out some words that have been building up inside of me for the past two months. my mom laid there and listened. she didn't say anything. she knew i was in an inebriated state that was useless to talk out of. after i ranted (truth: incoherently yelled & mumbled at the same time) she just looked at me, laughed and said "my god you smell awful". she was right. i was well saturated with beer, whiskey and cigarettes. we laughed for a while until i passed out. it was only a few minutes until she was the one waking me up telling me to brush my teeth and wash my face for the night. there have been a handful of nights like those and mom has always been there for me. and...as is her motherly duty...has always insisted on proper hygiene habits no matter how bad things got. i love you mom.

with that all said, it's not a new release but those darlins' have one of my favorite songs (mama's heart) and it feels quite apropos for the occasion. those darlins' have released a new lp called screws get loose which you can buy direct from them (ya i bought it...the shipping is 50% of the lp price which is a serious downer and should be reassessed): http://thosedarlins.com/shop/

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this is life and this is living

after a long night of dancing along with my fellow NYers at the M83 show, i woke up to one of the most beautiful days i've seen in a long time. i feel like everywhere i've traveled in these past few months, the rain has followed. i caught the train at the perfect moment. i walked home from the station with sun in my eyes and flowers lining the sidewalks. we need days like this. it reminds us why we wake up in the morning. i think that's what someone was talking about a few nights ago. love does keep us waking up every morning. it doesn't have to be a human-to-human love either. it's love. i love days like today and so each morning i wake up, it's in hope of today. with all this love talk i've decided to post up an album that just radiates sugary sweet, happy, frolic-worthy emotions. enjoy it. i highly suggest listening to this outside with some lemonade, really big sunglasses and maybe someone to hold hands with (or a really great book).

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spring has...bloom?

fucking allergies.

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that memories lost forever, it must have escaped with the bees

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You didn’t kill me; I just died through the process.

Flying over the Atlantic and I’m a thumbs width away from Iceland. Only 3 months ago I thought we would be there together. The cold chill would do no harm to the warmth of our love. Celebrating who we were and who we are. You as I. I as you. We as something stronger than the individuals of our past. It doesn’t get easier. I think that it gets forgotten. There’s no way to cure a broken heart but to forget that love happened in the first place. Or maybe that’s just me. Maybe I’m too weak. And when the swelling begins it feels deafening and chokes me.. A gasp for air, sanity. The panic sets in and it’s though the day cannot progress, but it will. It always does. It’s been well over a month. I can barely remember the month. I know I woke up. I always wake up. I sat on a long flight before. I knew something was wrong. I went to the small, compact bathroom to look at myself fin the mirror. It’s long trips like this that have me thinking. I stared at my face…each line, pore, imperfection. I stood there spinning the ring on my finger. I looked at it in my reflection and with hesitation…smiled. It was genuine. My happiness was there and it was very real. I was ready to go home to you. I was ready to start my life with you. You picked me up at the airport as you usually did. It has been a month since we last saw each other. We’ve spent time apart before but this was by far the longest. You had grown a beard. I remember as you kissed me, a warm and inviting kiss, I felt the soft & prickled hair on your face. You grabbed my luggage and we went off. As we drove you told me how you had brought home an axe…a gift from a friend in Sweden. It would be perfect for the wedding photos. We knew our wedding was not to be anything short of interesting. I thought it was splendid! We went to the market where you thoughtfully picked out laundry soap, as you knew my clothes hadn’t seen a cleaning in over 2 weeks. As you grabbed two I held you back…we could always purchase more later when we needed it... you agreed. Before leaving we passed by these tiny little cupcakes. I asked you if you wanted them at the wedding and you said yes…a perfect little touch to our desert table. You bought me a sandwich; we paid and went off to stop at the apartment. Carrying up the luggage while mentioning the usual over-packed weight, we walked up the stairs that I thought I’d be walking up every day from here on out. As we got in, put the luggage down, you embraced me and gave me the most passionate kiss. It wasn’t sexual…not for me…it was loving. I thought the feeling I felt & tasted from your lips was a familiar, welcoming one. It felt sincere. We knew it was time to start our day and so we made our way to work. The day was nothing unusual. Always busy after a trip from Asia. You and I had made dinner plans at a place that had absolutely nothing to do with Asian food. It was fantastic. We talked about life…primarily work. We shared food without forks and our eyes locked as they usually did. We felt completely normal, nothing changed. Things felt right again. I felt right again. In many many months I battled with my own demons and finally it brought me here. Life isn’t perfect and neither are people. My love for you far outweighed the disappointments that I learned to look past. Love. Comfort. I can’t tell the difference and maybe there isn’t a difference. Or maybe I don’t understand love at all. We finished dinner and drove home. It was only 7:30pm when my eyes felt heavy. Jetlag was cruel. Nothing new. We lay on the couch together, as close as our bodies could get. We bought that couch together a year ago. It didn’t keep its shape. As I was falling asleep you woke me and told me to slip into bed, you would join. I washed up and found myself under the covers. It felt right. We were missing the heavy & silent footsteps of Cajun sneaking up between us but besides that…it all felt right. You held me close for some time and as usual, we turned our backs to each other and started to fall asleep. It was then that I turned to you and asked you what you wanted to discuss. There were words between us before I got home. Some hurtful words. You told me we needed to talk but you ignored it over dinner. When you told me we needed to talk while I was away it was cryptic. I asked if it had anything to do with the engagement, at least prepare myself for some type of surprise. I never considered he would have issues as critical as the engagement…he told me no. I was told the engagement was on. Things were okay…we just needed to talk. I should have never asked the question. If I didn’t ask…would any of this have happened? There’s a point in the grieving process during a death where you face complete denial. It’s not just denial but it’s a mix of acceptance and then a false realization that things will be fixed. I remember the day after Christmas; my kitten had a blood clot and died instantly. I was in the shower. As I got out and saw his lifeless body…I knew he was dead. But it was okay…things would be fine. I held his little body and gave him CPR. It didn’t work. That was okay too because we were driving to the vet and they had a pill or a shot that they could give him. Certainly technology has progressed enough! He wasn’t gone….he wasn’t gone…he wasn’t gone… He was gone. I know his words were much more than what I heard but what I recall is staring at the bookcase and hearing that we could not get married. Okay. Okay. Grieving process…I got out of bed. I was confused. I couldn’t walk straight. I hit my shins against the bed frame. Both of them. I cut in so hard that they bled. It’s been over a month and I see the ½” round scars on my shins every morning. You’re there every time I take a shower. The full realization didn’t hit me until we sat on the couch and I calmed down briefly. Okay…we do not have to get married yet. This is good. Let us take this slow. As I came to an acceptance you took the knife and twisted a final, deadly move. It wasn’t just the marriage. It was us. It was everything. We were over. I died. I don’t understand how you sat there and watched me curled up, my cries coming from beneath my organs. You sat and moved closer wanting to hold me, hug me, kiss me. I don’t understand. Why did you touch me? You seemed too content with your decision. How long had you been planning this? How many kisses, embraces and “I love you”s did you offer while you knew this was going to happen? How do you hold someone knowing you will ruin everything about them with one swift decision? It’s not murder. It’s torture. You didn’t kill me; I just died through the process.

are you even breathing? 'cause my breath is gone

november 27th 2011 was my 27th birthday. i think they call that a golden birthday right? same day/same age. it will never come again. that's besides the point. the only reason i bring that up is because that night i went back in time and saw brand new play in long island. their opening act was this long haired grunge looking band that was way too loud for the opening act. it was almost intolerable. a few weeks later i go on to hear a band called o'brother. they instantly reminded me of silverchair - which for what it's worth i will always love frog stomp. i only realize a few minutes into it that i've seen these guys. i know exactly where i saw them...at the brand new show! it's amazing how a band can sound like complete shit when foreign to your ears and in a venue that isn't particularly skilled in audio quality. their album doesn't sound like shit...far from it actually.

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we won't last long

in the months since i've posted i've gone from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows and somehow came out right in the middle. there's really not much else to say. so with that, i dedicate "no plans" from cloud nothings to my former love. that's as far as i'll go with that. i'm learning to let go, stop planning and accept each day as it comes. did i mention i'm writing this while i look out my window in innsbruck, austria? yea...life's not too awful.

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rain rain go away

this winter has consisted of rain...just rain. it's miserable. so to think of colder things that make me feel like it's winter, i rely on iceland. iceland has always been this dream-like place that i have wanted to visit for years. the good news is that's where i'm going for my honeymoon in october! if we're patient and wait til the end of october, we will catch the iceland airwaves music festival. and speaking of iceland airwaves, a band that played there last year has created quite the buzz! along the lines of the melodic/large sound/happy-go-lucky yet a bit meloncholy is a six piece band called Of Monsters and Men. yes, they are from iceland. their album My Head Is an Animal is incerdibly catchy. i just caught myself bouncing around on the subway at 8am listening to them through my headphones. one of the subway rules: don't ever look too happy. i broke it. whoops!



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step by step day by day

it's been months. quite literally. i have to be honest with you, lately music has been letting me down terribly. i looked at the 2011 year in review from NPR, pitchfork, etc and their lists are pathetic. bon iver is a given and should be on every list but from there it really feels like everyone struggled to find anything worth putting on a list in 2011. i didn't bother with a list. as you may have noticed i didn't bother with much. i got engaged. to a man. more specifically a man i've been dating for the past 5 years. now more than ever music is critical. what to walk down the aisle to, what to dance to, what to eat to, what to walk out of the building to...the pressure is mounting and we still have not found a DJ. scary.

i'm not sure why i'm posting this but i found it today and the minute i listened to it, i thought of my fiance (yep...we sound fancy and adult-like now). he loves dream pop, as do i. however, i believe there is a time & place for music like this. he's happy to listen to this on a 12 hr car ride in the middle of the night in a snow storm whereas i need something a bit more upbeat alongside my xxl cup of black coffee and bag of skittles.

i love you everett.



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